


How Could He?

by yukiminkim



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, Mention of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:34:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23252524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yukiminkim/pseuds/yukiminkim
Summary: How could he say the things he wanted to say if he was too late?
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan
Comments: 6
Kudos: 15





	How Could He?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [onescoupaday](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onescoupaday/gifts).



> For Nat . . .

He remembers it clearly, they were only ten. 

Yoon Jeonghan was the first one to play with him on the playground. He was always more shy as a child and would stick to himself instead of approaching the other neighborhood kids. So when the young boy came bounding up towards him with that bright smile, he was absolutely ecstatic. They played for hours, chasing each other around the playground or pushing each other on the swings. When it came time to go home, he wanted so bad to hug his new friend and tell him thank you. But how could he? He was too shy . . . he couldn’t. 

Yet, as if the other young boy could read his heart, he came running back towards him to embrace him in the warmest hug he ever felt. 

“I will see you tomorrow!” He still remembers that innocent voice that called back as Jeonghan walked away hand-in-hand with his mother. 

They did see each other the next day, and the next day after that, and the next day after that.

O-O-O

He remembers it clearly, they were freshmen. 

Yoon Jeonghan was furious. Tears wouldn’t stop flowing out of the younger boy’s eyes and he didn’t know what to do. He sat there covered in fresh bruises, a cut lip and a fractured rib but what hurt the most was how much pain Jeonghan was in. He didn’t mean to let the other see himself like this. When his father acted out, he would usually avoid Jeonghan until he was completely healed. But that night, Jeonghan had come to his house. 

“Leave this fucking place . . . please, we can call someone.” He remembers the way the younger man begged him through silent sobs. He remembers the distress in Jeonghan’s features when he told the other he couldn’t leave his mother here. He still remembers the weak punches to his chest as the younger man kept sobbing and begging him to leave. 

He wanted to hold the younger, wipe away those tears and finally tell him how he felt. How Jeonghan made him feel as if he actually mattered, like he wasn’t the useless man his father told him he was, but a man that deserved to be loved. He wanted to tell him he loved him, that he loved him for years now. But how could he? He was a coward . . . he couldn’t. 

And as always, as if Jeonghan could read his heart, the younger man pulled him closer until their lips were a whisper away. 

“I love you.” He remembers the small voice that softly spoke against his own lips only to claim them a second later. 

Trembling lips moved against his cut, chapped lip. It should have been clumsy and uncomfortable, but to him it was perfect. To him, Yoon Jeonghan was perfect. 

O-O-O

He remembers it clearly, they were twenty. 

Yoon Jeonghan stared into the empty room emotionless. All of his things were packed up, what was once their shared apartment, was now just an empty shell of a future that would never come to be. He hated himself, he did this to the love of his life. 

“What am I supposed to do?” He still remembers those forlorn words that got lost in the silence of the apartment. He wanted to tell the younger man to move on. To find another who would love him as much as he deserved to be. But how could he? It was too late . . . he couldn’t.

So he stood there in front of the man who he would love for the rest of time. He remembers the tear that slid down his cheek as Jeonghan took the last box and walked out of the apartment, never to look back again. 

O-O-O

He remembers it clearly, they were twenty-five. 

Yoon Jeonghan stood in front of a mirror. He looked absolutely stunning. His white suit that had embroidered details on the collar made the younger man look like an angel sent from heaven. 

“I guess this is it.” He remembers how unsure Jeonghan had sounded that day . . .  _ his  _ day. He watched as the younger man straightened out his tie and sighed a heavy breath. 

He remembers watching the love of his life walk down the aisle towards him . . . well, towards the man standing next to him. He remembers smiling, he wanted this. He wanted Jeonghan to move on, to be happy. He knew it could never be with him, and yet he wanted to scream and object to this madness. He wanted to grab those hands he knew so well and whisk the other away, back to when they were happy. But how could he? Jeonghan moved on . . . he couldn’t. 

So he remembers watching . . . he remembers listening to the vows. Hoping that this man will love Jeonghan with all his heart, as much as he did. 

O-O-O

He will remember this clearly, they are reaching thirty now. 

Yoon Jeonghan is standing in front of a gravestone.  _ His  _ gravestone. 

“Seungcheol . . . It’s been ten years already.” He holds on to every word the younger says. He will remember this, it’s all Seungcheol has. “God, I miss you so damn much . . . but, I’m happy now. I think . . .” He can hear the slight crack in Jeonghan’s voice. Something the younger’s voice does when he is trying to hold back a sob, “I think it’s time . . .” 

Seungcheol feels a hot tear slide down his cheek as he smiles. He nods. It is time. He has been waiting for this moment . . . he told himself he wouldn’t leave, not until Jeonghan was ready. And today, Seungcheol knows . . . today is the day. So he watches, he holds on to every detail about the man in front of him so he will remember. He wants to tell Jeonghan it’s okay, that he isn’t hurting him. But how could he? It’s been ten years since his death . . . he couldn’t. 

“I don’t think I will ever stop loving you Choi Seuncheol.” He will remember this, the healing that he can see Jeonghan going through. He is proud of the other, proud of the man he became. Seungcheol knows he can leave . . . knows the love of his life will be okay without him. 

He will remember all of this, because when the time comes to meet Jeonghan again, he will say everything he couldn’t. 

“Goodbye, Hannie.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/rosequartstudy)


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